One more night won't kill me.....
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Isn't that the saying of like an alcoholic? or drug addict?
Well, it's currently my phrase. Having a goodbye thingy for some people in work. Should be an extremely good night out.
Wasn't planning to go....... That was untill Jenny pestered me non stop untill i agreed. Then i said i would refrain from th lure of alcohol
She is not pleased at that, and has sworn to get me drunk.
I know, wrong, shouldn't do it, etc. The sexy bouncer may even be there!
Currently a slow but peaceful day. If it wasn't so cloudy, the sun would be shining so much. Sitting at the window. Curtains open and the window opened fully looking out onto the familiar graveyard which doesn;t seem so bad after months of looking at it from my window every morning.
In a sort of Britney mood, like all her slower songs, 'Im not a girl,' 'Born to make you happy' etc.
Watched a movie about nuns today. i always remember wanting to be a nun when i was younger, but my mum would not allow it as it is a catholic practice, and she is very much protestant.
Going back to the gym soon too. Yup im dreading it, but it has to be done, even thinking of investing in a personel trainer.
I'm kinda in the 'nun' frame of mind. Don't want anything to do with men, or drink, smoking or whatever. Just want to be reserved for a while. I'm just so used to being out there, loud and crazy.......
Going to try and settle for a while. Mabey it was seeing CH, and her six months pregnant stomach. I don't want to be an old mum, but sometimes i don't want to be a mum at all.
Also like I hope to be married, but i sort of want to stilll be single and independent later in life.
Sometimes i want to love someone like i loved The Boy, and other times im proud to be able to live without one.
Speaking of The Boy, my mum has been speaking to him. He hangs around the little park, that was once our spot when we were together. For some reason lots of memebers of my family have been seeing him.
"yeah Angel, we saw The Boy today...."
My mum asked me yesterday
"someone told me this, is it true that The Boy used to shout at you and make you give him money from work?"
Yup
"he was always far too rough with you, wait untill i speak to him again, im going to say to him....."
She doesnt understand though. He was rough, but he was also nice when he wanted to be. And i was always perfectly willling to do whatever he asked.
I once spent £80 for a gameboy he wanted. Of course, i never got the money back, and my mum never found out. If she had, she would kill me.
Thats something else about loving someone, you neglect everything else for him.
I lost most of my friends. Almost lost my family.. All for one boy. Well i did firmly believe we would be together for ever.
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One more night won't kill me.....
Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:29 PM
1 Mwah xXx
So just home from work again. Saw the sexy bouncer. He cornered me and we had a little play fight when we thought we were alone.
Of course, some people saw. They disapprove. Most people agree that he is probably a Bitch. I think he most likley is too, yet I can't stop myself liking him.
I know nothing can come of it-it's harmless flirting. If something did happen between us and it got nasty, one of us would have to leave, and no man is driving me out of my job.
Mabey it's the "Bad Boy" appeal. I know he more than likley is very bad for me-one not to be approached. But its his sexy accent, his nice hands, hair, cute little smile...... and he's tall! big time imoprtant. and older.
However, still there lingers a feeling that the entire bar would know of our bedroom antics, and the people in his other job would also hear of the tales. And of course, not forgetting the drunken women throwing themselves at him all the time.
And the encouragement from the other bouncers to "get in there" with some random slut who gives out her number.
To be honest, most people find neglect a slight turn on, well, perhaps not a turn on, but it makes people more desperate and they try to cling onto their relationship. It's like recieving a gift.
Unpackaged gifts, no wrapping or box, just there in front of you, is like a man who is openly honest and hides no secrets. You still get the gift, but the "Bad Boy" gifts, (although the same inside) has more appeal.
Its packaged and boxed. You don't know whats inside. It's the anticipation of getting through all the wrapping to reveal the gift inside is almost too much, and the shiny paper and fancy box make it almost look better than the nice unpackaged gift, even although the packaged gift may not be as nice as the unpackaged.
While the nice boys are right there, the Bad Boys put on a front, like the wrapping paper, which you want to get through and are desperate to get inside.
That really did appeal to me at one point. Not now.
I really just want a nice boy. For some reason, although I don't know him, this man i thought was perfect. Today the park with CH, some guy jogged past and smiled. Thought nothing except, wow, hes cute.
20 minuites or so later he joggged past again and said hi. so I said hello back.
walking out of the park he appeared again, and we both looked at each other and sort of laughed a mutual laugh- i don't even know why we laughed, we just did.
It was just like a wierd click.. we didn't speak, but i felt i liked him, and he liked me.
There was no slurred and pathetic chat up lines. No leering, groping, forcefulness,misinterpretations of 'no'.........
It was just nice. A stunning summer day, with the jogger.
I smiled all the way home because of that. And all the way on the train. And all the way to my house from there. And all the way to work from there...........
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:35 AM
0 Mwah xXx
Revenge of the Ex
Friday, April 29, 2005
ok, WTF?! i have to go through all this crazy stuff and can't get onto blogger!!
yup. he has slightly pissed me off.
during my "last night drunk so lets get as pissed as possible" night, HE (RH) called me
"hey angel, just to say, um don't call me tonight because GG (ex) is here and shes drinking"
again WTF?! why is he telling me this?
theroy of the party "hes trying to make you jelous"
my theroy: i have no idea
then he called me again a few nights later. started rambling about how some girl in work gave him her number on a tissue with lipstick marks and "call me" on it.
and oh, to add to this GG drank the remaining half bottle or so of vodka i left at his house. bastard.
saw CH too. even though he is her brother, she seriously dislikes him. Even more so now because he pissed me off...
Revenge of the Ex
Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 8:44 PM
0 Mwah xXx
"The Lesbian Kiss"
Sunday, April 24, 2005
"The Lesbian Kiss"
Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 6:31 PM
0 Mwah xXx
Tatoo!!!
forgot to say i will be (hopefully) getting a tatoo on my inner thigh which B has dubbed "The Lesbian Kiss" Ouch, i hope its worth the pain! |
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 6:21 PM
0 Mwah xXx
woken by the phone this morning, I was dreamily under the impression that i had already picked it up and was talking into it......
untill i realised that it was still ringing
Okay, normally masturbating is ok- i get`the desired conclusion, however it is nothing amazing or earth moving, and i usually manage to do it quite discreetly without anyone else knowing.
i hadn't done it since my spilt with RH. Untill last night......
it was just like any other time, except at the end. holy shit
I was so loud, its good no one was home, because even though i tried to, i physically couldn't be quiet.
It was just so unbelievably loud. I think it may have been that even though i was fucking RH, he couldn't make me come. But then again, no man has been able to make me come.
It's so frustrating that i don't orgasm, and i think D.I.Y time just let out all that frustration. was just so fucking 'Oh MY GOD'
Going to see David tomorrow. HUH?!
he's been all texting and stuff, mostly to see if i would fuck him. But after many non-successfull attempts i think the boy has come to realise that there will be no hot and horny adventures under the covers..........
In fact, there never were. we had no where to go, so we always fucked outside! Mostly in parks, and once got caught by three men
(the shame!)
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:28 PM
0 Mwah xXx
so while i'm sitting here, already awake and just home from work, i might as well write about the nights happenings.
Firstly, i'm really quite upset. I've been working in the Bar for about six months. And there are people there i like, and others ive grown to love.
the loved ones are
jenny - going away
cav -moving to Australia
patrick - still here!
paul (boss) -Gone to our city!!
abi - getting a better job
scott 1,2,3 -thankfully still here
lauren and lisa - already gone
these really are the people i most love about my job. tonight Paul left. He told me he wasn't happy here, and here was something he liked about me-turns out were from the same city, and he could see it straight away.
I don't know, he kinda reminds me of my dad, and also of the kinda guy i would want to settle down with, well when im older than 18 anyway!
had been dreading the end of the night. and after the traditional cover-them-in-the-most-amount-of-rotten-eggs-milk-fish etc` he kissed and hugged us goodbye.
but before he left, he whispered to me that if i ever wanted to go back to our City and needed a job, i've to go to him.,
that nearly set me off crying. i like the people in my life to be stable. one of my weaknesses is that i learn to love people for who they are way too fast. And then they leave. And i don't know why but it hurts when people leave.
just, it's like you build up something with someone, and although it's small, it matters alot more than it should. And when it's taken.
okay, im going to stop being depressing!
on the upside (or downside, guess it depends how you look at it!) Pauls girlfriend went onto Labour! he had to promptly drive to our City.
oh, my sexy bouncer was hanging around tonight. Usually he stays at the door, but tonight he was over alot. spoke to him a little, he just spent more time trying to unclip my bra with one hand- which he claims he is able to do!
Got a missed call from RH and texts from U. U wants to see me tomorrow and RH, well, he was probably drunk.
Plans for tomorow? The football game is on. let's hope we kick their ass.
later
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:31 AM
1 Mwah xXx
Saturday, April 23, 2005
There has been a terrible shock ripping through the hearts of those who know me.
After the wildly drunken nights iv'e had this week i have decided that the alcohol must stop-at least for a while.
I used to be fine when drinking, but i'm now one of those angry drunks. Thursdsay night A and J and to pull me off about four people. i seemed to want to fight with everyone
I can't help it, i just get so angry for no reason. was in the toilet waiting. Started talking to this Irish girl next to me, and she was bitching about one of the toilets having a padlock on it. This pissed me off, and within two kicks i had kicked the door down, it flew off the hinges. Like the entire door wasn't connected to anything, the padlock was on the floor and the door was lying on the ground.
The funniest part was the cleaners look of shock when she saw it, and screamed "who did that?!"
Miss Ireland and I made an exit.
I will get into so much trouble one day. Like someone pushed A and i went crazy. screaming and shouting, "wtf?!" i wanted to kick the shit out of them. the wierdest part is, i don't remember what they looked like.
apart from that it was a good night
Went to see U. Told him about my night. He thinks that im angry at myself and life. He's right.
People see me as independent and a strong person. I do what i want and don't let what anyone says bring me down. I've been doing this for so long, i've always had to be better that everyone else. Mostly its because I push myself to be, and also because, despite everything, i always try to be bettter than all men.
Just sometimes, it gets hard, and so much to handle, and i want to cry so much, but i can't. Physically and because i don't want to. when i was younger too, i didn't go throught the 'angry teenager' phase. I was pretty much ok.
hm, i suspect its comming back now! stand clear for the moodswings people
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 6:33 PM
0 Mwah xXx
Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:06 PM
0 Mwah xXx
RH is no more. I broke up with him on Tuesday. Happy? I would think so.
Except, okay this is wierd, but i feel guilty about dumping him. When we were fucking before i dumped him, he said i i love you, twice.
And he has said it before. However when i asked him about it later, he was all i don't know what your talking about.
okay. as much as i love blogging, ive just got home from a rough night in the bar tonight. Some guy was seriously intent on pulling me while i was out selling Jager. Had me backed against the wall etc
And there is far too much to bitch about right now. it's like 5am, the Fuckwits upstairs are playing their music too.......
Got to get some sleep!
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 5:02 AM
0 Mwah xXx
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
some boys are there to tempt you, but shouldnt be approached .
gym boys being one. like chocolate cake. they look good, smell good but are very bad for you.
i had my gym boy, and he was hot. probably the hottest boy ive ever been with. apart from his stunning body, he was hot, great smile, just one of those boys that you look at and think "God Damn...."
Bouncers are also out of bounds. in work, Jenny and i have our bouncers, ones we've selected which we think are hot. shallow yes, but fun.
recently me and my bouncer have been working together alot, and i was suprised when he asked me back to his house.. thinking he would be like the gym boy, i refused.....
Good thing for me. Turnes out i was right about him.
what is it about some men who think they are gods gift to women?
gym boys, bouncers, lifeguards......
they seem to think they can have anyone they want, and they viciously put down the women who dont meet their "standards"
ive been having problems with RH. basically, the boy has some personality, but i don't connect with him too well, and find him boring.....
Jill seems to think that I have more personality than the avrage person, and need more exraordinary people to really hit off with, and RH isn't one of them.... On top of that, is this boy's lack of sex drive...... Generally, when he's drunk, the sex is very good, but sober, he only lasts about ten minuites, and it's always me who mounts him. The last time I stayed overnight with him, I sat and waited to see if he would go for me.... shame for me i was waiting all night. I didn't even kiss him untill i left the next day! And he didn't even try with me! It's like he doesn't want to have sex! I know he wanted to go through a period of celibicy at one point, which i simply couldn't handle. I hate having to jump onto him all the time, i'm just horny all the time and just want to be fucked hard all night... But of course, no. okay, i once went through a period in my life where i didn't have sex for two years, so the fact that i can get it, but i'm not getting it is becoming a little too much for me to handle..... on the plus side, the last time we crashed at Campbell's i broke in the 'Sex Cupboard', which I have been dying to do.... Was up visiting S10 to see how his holidays were, and i got a suprise drunken text from David. Small talk ensued, and concluded with: "My house on Wednesday is empty, if you wanna come up and do stuff?x" Which in his language is "Do you wanna come up and fuck?" Sorry, been there, done that, and he has a small dick. Most people go by the phrase it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean, but in his case, he's lacking in both departments.... Well, plans for this week, going out tomorrow with RH, Wednesday with either Campbell or Sev, and Thursday, will be seeing A and J for some serious drinking. Well, I have to calm my libido somehow....
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Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 1:19 AM
1 Mwah xXx
Friday, April 15, 2005
okay, first of all, thanks for the posts, and the very helpful hint about my 'problem'!
how long have i been gone for?! basically finding it hard to get time to go to a net cafe, but found a very local one, so expect mucho updates!
okay, where to begin? the men in my life seems to be the hottest topic right now. some point last week, i crashed with sev, we went to the cinema together, and had a drink, the usual.
Sev generally is one of those people where you can't tell whether or not they like you in 'that' way.
he does seem to be genuinley interested in the situation with RH, which is wierd because he always askes about us. but to the point. was staying overnight with him, and we sat up talking. the more we stayed up the less tierd we got.
something he did compelled me to rip the covers off him at 4am, and then he pounced.
slapping hitting punching, in a playful way, and then he started to bite me. neck arms, hands, any area that wasnt covered by the trousers and t-shirt i had borrowed. three exhausting hours later, i was tierd, sore .......
and had three huge lovebites on my neck.
i did tell RH the entire story, but i really think that he didnt believe me.
i think i really pissed off RH. we were out for a while, but i had to leave because i had a party to go to that night.
so, dressed as little red riding hood, complete with cookies in a basket,i made my way to the party. however, RH seemed to be ever so slightly agitated, and made some mumbled comment. so i invited him along.
We mingled, or should i say I did, he sat depressed looking and really putting a downer on the party. safe to say i swallowed my alcohol with post haste on arrival.
chatting to Jill. Campbell's flatmate. she was pissed, realy pissed. and tried to pull me. quickly pushed her off me. stunned, she asked what the problem was, i told her RH being my boyfriend and everyhting was sitting in the same room!
"fine". the next thing i knew, she was over there asking him if he minded, fuck him, i minded!!
okay, yeah mabey i should have told her. i am inclined that way, but shes my friend, and it seemed really akward. on top of that, she has a very long term boyfriend, lee.
despite this her toungue penetrated my throat. i pushed her off though, giggling, and suggesting (desperatley) that we go get a DRINK.
Hell no. this bitch wasnt going anywhere.
sometime during the game of tonsil tennis, i opened my eyes to a fair few boys watching wide eyed and opened mouthed.
me: "excuse me do i know you?!"
boy 1: "erm no...........is that your boyfriend over there?"
me: "uh-huh"
boy 1: "fuck me, hes one lucky guy"
my reply was cutt off, as was my supply of oxygen-jill had re-attatched herself to me.
feeling quite pissed off i jumped up and derclared i was going to the toilet.
"ill come with you" fuuuuuuuccccccckkkkkkkk (okay, a fight has just broke out in the net cafe!)
the toilet had to be the worst. she shoved me against the wall, started feeling my ass and tits.
"oh my god Angel, your so hot. fuck me, i wish i was a lesbian"
me: "lee.....?"
Jill :"fuck lee"
then she started really getting into it, seriously moaning and rubbing. ten minuites later i was out of the toilet and running to safety.......
she hasnt mentioned it since, though RH, although at first saying to Jill that he didnt mind, was really quite pissed off at me for a few days. he got over it though, and said whatever i did to him, he would do to me, although the Jill thing wasnt counted.
and so i have kinda fucked him over. one of my best friends, U, who i used to work with asked me to work with him again for a couple of days.
i used to like him, for like three years,and he liked me, but we never got together.
i used to think he was hot. tall dark and sexy. but fuck me, i wasnt prepared for tall dark and fucking sexy.
hes been working out, lost weight and looks soooo hott. seriously. i was horny as fuck. problbly because the past few times ive seen RH his dick has been in hiding. we havent slept together for ages, and i was really wound up.
during the whole shift, U kept coming close, treasing me, and leaving. the shop was small and hot too, and when serving a customer, hed touch my arm, or my hand. i was dry mouthed and horny.....
in the car home, he kissed me. real hard, and jumped in the backseat with me.
fuck i wanted him soo much. i could feel it, i was horny and really really wet. he was hard too. kissing alone had steamed up the windows of the entire car.
i felt so guilty though. and i got out the car.
upstairs in bed, was horny frustrated and feeling like shit. i had been planning to dump RH anyway, but still......
the next night in the car was no different., only this time he took his dick out. i was so tempted, but i cant fuck one of my best friends, can i?
well i didnt, not that night. he might come over on sunday though, as i wioll be home alone, not sure thats such a good idea though..........
Kissed By Tainted Angel: Tainted Angel at 4:16 PM
0 Mwah xXx
